Celebrity Weasel

I think it is really great that Paris Hilton is friends with everyone these days. Her friends are going through rough times in their lives, and need the emotional support that Paris will no doubt provide.

Formerly breaking all the rules of BFF, Paris and Nicole are once again, BFF. Nicole finally wants to get sexy and gain some weight. Paris is obviously the right person she should be hanging with; look how good Nicole looks already! Just kidding! Nicole still looks fugly.

The new shocker everyone is talking about is, of course, Britney Spears and Paris, and their new found gal pal status. Very exciting stuff. Britney has already been spotted showing off her snatch to photographers while getting out of a Hilton vehicle, and exposing that fat little baby of hers to the Paris lifestyle.

Seems like there is one thing all of Hollywood agrees on though; Lindsay Lohan is a fat bitch. Even the fat bitches hate Lindsay Lohan. Britney is now on the Lohan hating bandwagon after Lindsay said she wants to get nasty with K Fed, and blasted his rap album from her car next to Paris and Britney the other night.

I was in major shock when I heard this one today. Oh wait, no I wasn’t!

Pam Anderson and Kid Rock are divorcing. I’m only reporting on this because these two are major stars. Save for some kind of crazy weirdo details surfacing about the pair in the next few weeks, no one is really going to care. We all know this didn’t work out because these two are both just trashy losers.

Anytime wack job couples go overboard with dating and the subsequent marriage, you know things are going to end up in the gutter. Overboard = Three wedding ceremonies in one month.

Nicole Richie has fired her personal stylist of over two years, Rachel Zoe, because Richie, “wanted to surround herself with positive people and influences,”.

Rachel Zoe has long been accused of promoting unhealthy body image. Her clients include gross outs like Misha Barton, and Lindsay Lohan.

Nicole has hired Cristina Ehrlich in place of Zoe. Cristina Ehrlich’s clients already in place include Jessica Biel and Penelope Cruz.

This is definitely great news. With this move, let’s hope Nicole Richie can start to get hot, once and for all. Nothing turns me off more than that sphynx, “hairless cat” look.

Here is video of the apology Michael Richards made on the Late Show with David Letterman last night. If you don’t have the patience to watch the six minute video, here is my quick run down.

Richards is totally crazy. So many people have run into this guy and experienced his lunacy. In public, back stage, Michael Richards isn’t scared to be nuts at anytime. Is he truly racist? Probably not. Is he a polite, nice guy? Hell no! This guy is a freaking jerk. He doesn’t deserve your respect at all.

His apology with Letterman sounds pretty genuine. You might almost feel bad. Eh, whatever. Michael Richards is a crackpot a-hole.

The big Tom Cruise - Katie Holmes wedding was this weekend in Bracciano, Italy. The ceremony took place in a romantic, 15th-century castle.

We already know all the wacky, horribly annoying nuances of this kooky couple, so there is no need to go over all that again. Let’s take a look at who was in attendence.

Jim Carrey with his girlfriend, Jenny McCarthy. I feel bad for their driver. Five minutes alone with these two buffoons must feel like ten years in a chinese water tourture cell.

Will Smith and Jada. These two are always so happy. I would have loved to see Jada flip out on Will, ghetto bitch style, about how Tom and Katie’s wedding is way nicer than theirs was.

The big news was Brooke Shields showing up to the TomKat wedding. Cruise publicly criticized Shields for taking antidepressants. Cruise apologized to Shields in person a few months ago.

It wasn’t really necessary for Tom to apologize for his comments. We know he didn’t mean it, and Brooke Shields isn’t that big of a star anymore. Who cares if she attends your wedding?

A few from his appearance at the World Music Awards in London. His following musical “comeback” sounded like ass. I think his lips and chin are much more funny than his rendition of “We Are The World”.

Jaime Pressly announced on Wednesday that she is four months pregnant to Jay Leno on The Tonight Show.

Pressly became engaged to her boyfriend of a year and a half, Eric Cubiche, last month.

I wonder if their new baby boy is going to be able to pull off the trademark, “glam-white trash” look that Jaime has perfected over the years?

I think everyone is pretty excited about the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes wedding this weekend in Italy. Lara Spencers “embedded” coverage from Italy on The Insider has me as giddy as a school girl every evening. Sure, those Scientologists are a little wacky, but the Cruise wedding is shaping up to be a very “traditional” affair.

Scientologists say their weddings are similar to Christian weddings. Rings, music, flower girl, parties; they will all be there.

Scientology spokeswoman Karin Pouw says what makes a Scientology wedding unique is the advice offered during the ceremony. Let’s take a look at some of the helpful words Tom and Katie will get an ear full of this weekend.

“They make a vow to each other that they won’t go to sleep at night without having repaired any upset they may have had during the day,”

Very nice, I can’t agree with you more, Ms. Scientology. Tell me more.

What? The groom is reminded that “girls” need “clothes and food and tender happiness and frills, a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat”?

Ummm. OK. Come again? The bride is told that “young men are free and may forget” their promises?

Well Katie, at least you will have Poop, the lovable orange tabby to keep you company when Tom “forgets” to provide love, emotional support, clothes, and food.

On Thursday, one of the most viewed items on YouTube was a clip of Kevin Federline, supposedly getting dumped by Britney, via text message. I was jumping for joy when I found out about this clip, but am not completely convinced that this is what it claims to be. I am, by no means, holding it below Britney Spears to inform her husband of a divorce, via text message.

Tell me what you think.

Denise Richards tossed two laptop computers off a second floor balcony on Wednesday after an altercation with photographers.

Richards was on the set of the movie “Blonde and Blonder” at a casino near Vancouver when she confronted a photographer trying to take her picture. Apparently, the paparazzi’s crew had their computers sitting on the balcony, and Denise had no problem pushing them over the ledge. The computers made their decent, and almost took out two senior citizens before hitting the ground.

On Thursday, Denise Richards’ publicist commented that the photographers “…are lucky their laptops were the only things that were thrown off the ledge,”

Royal Canadian Mounted Police were called to the scene, and the case was soon closed. No charges are going to be filed against Denise Richards.

In regards to celebrity “tantrums” and outbursts of anger, this story is quite a breath of fresh air. Good for Denise. Everyone needs to get it out of their system, and it seems like people in the public eye never have a chance to break dishes and punch walls without the entire country lashing out at them.

In fact, Denise has had it pretty tough the past year, with her high profile divorce all over the tabloids. I would have liked to see Denise Richards do more than just toss a few measly computers off a balcony. How about throwing a little coffee in the photographer’s faces, and then giving them indian burns, whilst screaming your head off?

If she doesn’t feel like doing that yet, she will after seeing this most recent story about herself in the papers. Both the Associated Press and Reuters end their coverage by stating that Richards “has appeared in the movies ‘Wild Things’ and ‘Starship Troopers’.”

Damn, couldn’t they have named a few of her larger accomplishments? Oh wait, no, they couldn’t have. Better start trashing some on set trailers Denise, you need the release.

Britney Spears files for divorce in LA - Yahoo! News

I can’t believe after all the defending I did of this couples union, it is going to come to this. I really believed in this one.

I once again, I feel like I did in high school. All that time spent defending those shy, effeminate nerds from the “gay” taunts of the jocks, telling everyone they were not gay. They came out of the closet a year later.

A judge has thrown out Britney Spears’ lawsuit against Us Weekly regarding an alleged sex tape with husband Kevin Federline. The lawsuit stated that Spears faced possible defamation from an article published October 17, 2005, claiming that Britney and Kevin feared the release of a secret sex tape they had made together.

Judge Lisa Hart Cole threw out the suit because Spears has “put her modern sexuality squarely, and profitably, before the public eye” and there is no chance a little sex video could defame the former pop princess.

It is pretty silly that Britney was seeking $10 million to set this rumor right. Hello Brit? Blessing in disguise? Paris was bummed when her sex tape came out, but her popularity skyrocketed afterward. She was able to become an even more valuable, do nothing piece of crap.

Britney Spears’ musical days are far behind her. That’s not to say that her celebrity is in the toilet. Britney Spears continues to be one of the most fascinating people in the celebrity gossip world. She gains a bunch of weight, then loses it all, and looks amazing. She wears the most hideous white trash outfits we have ever seen, and walks around barefoot in public bathrooms, yet we love seeing her in a cute little number at some goofy, kiddie award show.

Maybe this sex tape exists, maybe it doesn’t. It only helps Ms. Spears. Britney’s bread and butter these days are just being a celebrity, by doing nothing at all. She needs to let the media write about her hot sex tapes, and let them photograph her. Then, she should get paid to appear on TV, endorse a bunch of lame products, hell, even write a cheesy book. All of these things require no real talent. Opportunities like this will come fast and furious if she just stops worrying so much about being proper.

Trash it up Britney; we love you.

Actor Neil Patrick Harris is coming out of the closet. Harris proclaims he is gay and loving it to People Magazine’s web site.

“(I) am quite proud to say that I am a gay man living my life to the fullest,�

Neil Patrick Harris apparently decided to come out because of the rumors and speculation flying around over the past few weeks regarding his possible homosexuality.

How ridiculous. The poor guy makes an awesome come back from the Doogie days in “How I Met Your Mother�, and just wants people to know him as a good actor. A few photos get taken of him hanging out with a man, and everyone jumps on him for being gay. Ok, so it turns out he is. Harris even went to such lengths as sitting separate from his long time boyfriend at award shows and other public outings. How sad. Looks like both parties are to blame here.

Neil should have just showed slowly. A hand hold here, a peck on the cheek there. That way it’s not a news story, and he could have avoided the grandiose public “coming out�.

Remember that final scene in Harold and Kumar with Neil Patrick Harris? The one where he has all those babes with him? Awkward!

Paris Hilton as… um, some variation of a whore.

No, seriously, someone tell me what she’s supposed to be.

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Heidi Klum and Seal:

Amazing. I really want to believe, in my heart of hearts, that they commissioned this ensemble.

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